I lived an entire month on Vanilla Ensure. I can still taste it in my mouth when I think about it. I could not eat, I could not think about eating. The chemo had really taken it's toll on me. I was numb. I couldn't feel anything and I wouldn't let myself feel anything. I was starting to believe that this could be it. If I couldn't find the will to eat food, what did that mean for me? I started drinking a lot. I didn't care anymore. If I was going to die, it was going to be on my terms. Not from cancer and not from the effects of chemo. Eff that. I was going to live my life and I was going to live like there was no tomorrow. And oh Lord how I did. There were many things I wish I could take back from that time.
I would go out and I would drink myself stupid, which wasn't hard. I would drink until I forgot how bad things were and someone would have to carry me home. I remember being at my boyfriend's house and drinking an entire bottle of Jim Beam and smoking a whole pack of cigarettes. I ended up so sick on the floor of the bathroom of his apartment. Out of desperation since I might be suffering from alcohol poisoning, he called my mother to come get me. They both carried me up 3 flights of stairs while I wept about how "I would have never made it through college if I had gone to SMSU." I wish I could say that this was an isolated incident but it wasn't. This became normal to me for a long time.
I drank to forget. I would wake up the next day and be even more sad. I would go to school, go to work, and then it would start all over again. I didn't care who I took down with me either. This was my life for years. I don't think it was even possible to be a more miserable person than I was.
When I reflect on that time in my life it feels like it isn't even me. I feel sorry for that person. What a waste of a good life. I don't ever want to taste Ensure again.
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